Seeing the “me” in ManageMEnt

my post (6)

Howdy Doody!

So I’m going to keep (or start, to be more accurate) pushing myself and if I talk about what I’m at, maybe it will encourage me to press on? We’ll see.

So, I started a course about business management, the idea being I need to really start upskilling myself instead of just waiting for me to somehow be financially stable, as this whole procrastination thing has proven to have little monetary gain. Not really sure if it is the kinda gig I’m cut out for but I think I’d excel in the “lazy, overpaid git” role I see in so many places.

Let’s move on

So the class went well. I think I’ll be more than capable but let me tell ya about the start. But I’m sure you know the answer already. It’s a course, and how does any course begin? With a sentence sure to send pure, unadulterated cringe through even the most stoic spirit. You already know what’s coming, don’t you? The Dread Words

We’re gonna start off by everyone gathering around and talking about ourselves…

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And yet, there was a caveat to this twisted game. Instead, we would pair up and talk about the other person. Not so bad I thought to myself. Oh, if I only knew then what I know now. I had the pleasure of talking to a lovely man named Sandro, who hailed from Brazil. We were to ask about names, previous experience, why this course and what you hope to do with the future. As we talked, another person entered the room. Everyone was paired, so this new person made things uneven.

Me and Sandro sat right by the door.

You know what happens next.

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Still, turns out she’s friendly too. Warm, chatty, both are Brazilian.

“This ain’t so bad, you’re letting your anxiety of public speaking getting the better of ya” I say to myself. Pity that man folks, this younger me, as he has no idea what’s about to come. So we chat, learn names, and everything is shaking bacon, until…

The Look

“So, Paol, tell me why’ah you want to do this course. You are hoping to, ahhh opin a biz-ee-nass?” Sandro asks.

“If I’m honest, no. This place isn’t a passion to me but let’s be real, it is a necessity. Have a kid, been stuck sideways for awhile and so I’m in this with the hopes to bring more money in.” I shrug and smile.

“You do’non like biz-ee-nass?” he asks. The tone is abit drier this time.

I give a nervous laugh. “I wouldn’t call it my passion, no.”

OH, IF LOOKS COULD KILL!

I mean, I get it. I do. This is a man who ran businesses back home, said he was a CEO, a teacher, a consultant. A man very much so used to being his own boss. But fucking hell, that look cut right through me. It existed for a fraction for a second, but it struck deep. Because the look didn’t imply anger or disgust or any of that stuff that triggers your defence mechanisms. He just seemed so disappointed in my response.

Oh it haunted my evening, believe you me. And the more I cry in the shower over it I dwell on it, I think he’s right. Even if it would never happen, why shouldn’t I want to be my own boss? Why should I want safe when I can have more.

I’m telling ya, when I signed up, I was not expecting this course to cause such personal introspection. Whatever happened to “Nothing Personal, It’s just business…”

P.S

Didn’t want to go so long without a post (hoping for maybe 2-3 a week with no particular length) so I figured I’d just carry on and get the last post out of my head. I’m a wee bit apprehensive about yesterday’s post if I’m honest. Was that abit much? Would reading that cause someone to run away from here?

Time will tell on that I suppose. If you did read it, I hope it did something, even if all it did was make you think I’m a big ejit. If I bored ya, oof, ouch on me I guess. Not really sure what to talk about. I have been tormented by poor sleeping patterns this week, earliest I’ve managed to comfortably nod off was 4am. And be it due to work or school runs, my day usually starts around 7.30am.

So yeah, this week, I’m tired. And with that comes strange things. More on that next time.

P.P.S

I’m sorry Sandro.

Catch ya next time

2 thoughts on “Seeing the “me” in ManageMEnt

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