Disclaimer: There is some minor DnD talk which some readers may find offensive.
Being honest, this one is totally for myself. Is that really a statement that needs saying? Let’s move on quickly, I doubt you want to hear me sound that out…
I’m starting to feel choked. As in “on the cusp of a panic attack” choked, so I’m throwing this out there to settle myself. To point at it and say “hey buddy, relax! You did something today, ain’t that great?”
And yes, as negative as I think I’ve come across so far, the voice in my head is generally fairly upbeat. He’s very much “Hey, you brushed your teeth, good for you! Now, why don’t we call it a wrap on today?”. He is, like me, seductively persuasive. I think I need to see can I invest in a new model. Ou, I know, maybe get one that talks to me in my mother’s voice. Shit, now there’s a tone bound to get me moving.
So I’m feeling a wee bit of pressure and it’s from nothing major at all, at all. Does that make it worse? That I am in such a state over something so manageable? Pretty sure that is worse BUT I’m talking about myself so I may have some bias here.
All it really is that I have some writing that needs doing BUT in more honest terms, it’s more like I want it done, and I dunno where the fuck to start. So the first one, the probably only important one is I got to start prepping an assignment for that business course that I mentioned here. It’s a ways out yet but I know that the sooner I start, the better. I think I’m a month away from needing that done, so that is going STRAIGHT TO THE BACK OF THE PILE!
After that, I gotta do some fiction for an admittedly small audience. But hey, an audience IS an audience! I run two DnD (that means Dungeons AND Dragons for all you cool cats out there) campaigns for my friends. One is entirely homebrewed (That means it’s all from my noggin) and the other is just heavily, homebrewed. In the one I do myself, I’m trying to come up with a good whodunnit. Wind up in a small town, some outsider died yesterday and there are roughly 14 suspects. Bit of a Rashomon vibe to it, but I want them all to be involved in the murder. 14 might be just too high a number. Trying to correctly align the events in my head, craft the suspects and then reverse engineer where possible. And it can’t be good, by no means at all can it merely be good. It needs to be goddamn great, right? You can tell the difference between something saying they like your work out of politeness (or because they feel I’m prone to crying) and when they legitimately enjoy what you did. People should really hear good things about themselves more often, it’s a terrific high!
The other game involves amnesia and I’ve been teasing the players for nigh on a year (roughly April 2018) with stuff their nefarious former selves got up to prior. In that, they are a few games away from reclaiming their memories so I’m working on bits of prose for each player. And since these are their characters, I need to make sure I nail it. I need them to love it and take it home, maybe even frame it. Think of it as writing a love letter. You are about to pour your heart out on the page and give it to someone. What you want is for it to change their life, to envoke powerful emotions. Responses like “Oh, cheers” or “Yeah, thanks” are going to bring upon me my own personal ruination!
Next up is my own personal fiction. Since roughly last April, I really tried to kick myself into doing some fiction. If I ever got it done, shur I could try throw it at someone or even just burn it and pretend that it didn’t happen. But it would certainly be the biggest personal goal I have, by far. I was doing well, have a few chapters done but real life stuff hit me like a truck so doing something I liked such as writing would cause me to feel guilty.
So I stopped. Got back into the habit big time in October!… Till early December. Christmas stress knocked me out again but I’m slowly getting back on that wagon.
And I must emphasise “slowly”.
So I haven’t done that in a day or two (or three… maybe four?), which leads to the feeling of personal dread and disappointment, which in turn leads to that rising panic attack. Like every day, I’m letting myself down. I suppose I am off work for the next two days, could just ride that wave before it becomes more public?
Actually, fuck that.
Maybe the positive procrastination voice ain’t so bad… A change of perspective might be all this needs! That internal guilt mechanism might just be me encouraging myself to live a bit more for me. To just stop looking at shit on Reddit and then turn to my phone to look at the SMALLER REDDIT! To stop doing literally anything else as I don’t want to risk failing at something I care about. That maybe, just maybe, it’s there as a personal barometer shouting “STOP SITTING THERE AND DO SOMETHING WITH YOURSELF!”
And look, if you have this same rising feeling, that horrible, twisting tension in you…
Why not live a bit more for you?
Wishing youse well,